Things are really flying now! It is about 7:00 pm, two days before I leave. In 48 hours, I will be boarding a plane to Madrid — whaaaaaat?!
I can’t really explain in words what a rollercoaster these past few weeks have been; there has been so much going on. My family has been incredibly busy in our work and personal lives, and we have also been trying to spend time together while hosting multiple guests and juggling various important events. I have enjoyed performing my last shows with my friend’s band, although saying goodbye to them and the music is really pulling on my heartstrings. And I have of course been trying to say goodbye to all the friends who will be out of town or unable to make it to my Last Night in Town tomorrow.
Anyone who’s moved away, you know. You know how you stop throughout the day, and the bottom drops out of your stomach with excitement, knowing that you’re leaving soon. And you know all the bittersweet emotions that come with that. Because you want to go, you’re so excited — but at the same time, it signifies the end of another phase, and some of the things you leave behind won’t ever be the same. Sometimes, the place you’ve been living seems to physically react to your leaving, sending out all these runners like ivy to wrap around you, embrace you, and remind you of everything that you’ll be…not missing, per se, but all the things that might be waiting for you when you return…if you return.
It’s the uncertainty of what will happen during and after my time in Spain that had the butterflies thundering about in my stomach about a week ago. And I’m not talking about weak little flutterings of anxiety, we’re talking Grade A, head-over-heels-in-love, I-actually-can’t-sleep-at-night butterflies having a rager in my belly about 20 hours a day (and night). Needless to say, I’ve had very little appetite and haven’t been able to sleep past 4:30 or 5:00 am each day.
Now, my best friend, who knows me entirely too well, would tell you that this probably has something to do with the ridiculous fact that I met (is met the right word? — we’ve been acquainted for several years now…) someone special. I honestly can’t believe it, it’s just…classic. I decide to leave, I prep for a year to make it happen, and the universe throws an amazing person in my path. The irony of the situation is that it was just three weeks ago that I finished most of the big preparation for Spain, so I finally felt like I could devote time to hanging out with people and enjoying my last few weeks. So, I asked if he wanted to come and grab a drink with me and some friends, we started hanging out…and now, three weeks later, I’m here hoping he might visit me in Europe, that things might align if/when I come back for us to give it a shot…just classic.
Whatever it means, whatever happens, it was a learning experience. He’s traveled enough to know how important this trip is to me, and I think we’ve both done long-distance enough to know that it sucks and isn’t worth it,* not when your personal development is on the line. Why distract yourself from the present moment, having to coordinate schedules for Skype dates, when you should really just continue growing yourself as a person, committed fully to the place you are? Because everything happens for a reason and in its own time and as it was meant to happen.
Writing these words, I see that these past few weeks have helped me progress in my own life lessons. I am methodical, a planner, a looker-ahead, a detail-oriented organizer. But I’m learning to be more spontaneous, to be more discerning and yet more open to others, and also to really just let things take their course and not try to control them so much. Clearly, all the important things that happen, you can’t really plan them. And you wouldn’t want to, because often the surprises the world throws us are so much more fantastical than we ever could have dreamed.
*Note: For those who are or have been in very beautiful long-distance relationships, please don’t take offense at this! I simply wanted to acknowledge the difficulties of such an endeavor, especially if you just started getting to know someone mere weeks before a very long trip with an indefinite end. There’s no explaining love and there’s certainly no predicting what will work or not work — so love with all your heart, and always keep learning. ❤